Mothers / Relationships

Mother’s Day Wishlist

  1. A pre-baby body. Not mine.
  2. A hole in the yard in which to bury items of great shame.
  3. A gift card, but not to somewhere that also sells hair removal.
  4. A lack of male virility in the coming year.
  5. Fewer carcinogenic cleaning products and/or reasons/opportunities to clean things.
  6. No eye contact.
  7. Personal space.
  8. Time alone in a bathtub that doesn’t have that weird pink stuff on it which might be salmonella.
  9. A non-reciprocal airing of grievances.
  10. To not have to hear the appliances running. They are oppressive.
  11. A vasectomy.
  12. A vasectomy.
  13. A vasectomy.
  14. A venti breakfast cocktail, hold the mix.
  15. No more Thomas the Incompetent Train.
  16. Less pee on the floor, please. I don’t care whose it is. It isn’t mine. Less, please.
  17. A trip to Paris that turns into living in Paris.
  18. A meal made of ingredients found in the kitchen independently through a process of opening cupboards and the fridge. No questions. No goddamn questions.
  19. No bare scrota on the furniture.
  20. An hour or two to be angsty about aging gracefully and how that’s for poor people.
  21. Do not suggest we go to that diner you like that I think smells like dying.
  22. Grocery delivery.
  23. An IV filled with something relaxing I can plug into my arm while watching TV.
  24. For you to move the alarm clock to your side of the bed.
  25. Just no scrota, really. That’s the main thing. Underwear over every genital.




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